blank space

This year is the first year since 2011 that I haven't been back to New Zealand. Back home. 

And, guys, I miss home. I miss my boys. I miss Tash {even though she's not even there right now}. I miss the smell of Wellington wind pushing the ocean breeze across my face. I miss walks along Orakei Basin looking for stingrays. I miss home. But the world is wide open and I feel excited about its opportunities.

 always the awkward mid-sentence snap. nailed it. 

always the awkward mid-sentence snap. nailed it. 

Being back here in the land of Decembers-without-snow and pillared houses, I feel as though I've been here before. Obviously, I've been physically here before. I mean that I've been in this space before. Standing in front of a big, white wall, deciding what to do with it. I'm in a truly blank space once more.

Exactly as I was this time a year ago.

Only this time, I haven't just said good-bye to the person I considered the love of my life and my best friend. I haven't had a total 'that was great. what the heck am I going to do with my life now?!' meltdown after spending half a year on a trip around the world. I haven't just had another visa rejection.  

This time I feel a blank space that isn't a void, but rather, an opportunity to start something fresh. And while it's still overwhelming as I've mentioned, more than anything I've felt an odd adrenaline surge. This blank space, this white wall, this new start came sooner than I imagined and quicker than I planned. But it's here, and I feel strangely excited about it all. 

Where last year I unpacked the Osprey bag I'd had strapped on my back for months and just sat on my bed feeling a mourning for the adventures that were had and a loss for where to go next, this year I feel capable and ready. I think they call that growth?! 

I don't know where exactly I'm going from here, But I have so many opportunities and exciting things happening, that the exact execution doesn't matter as much.

Perhaps I'll use the hard-earned visa I finally possess {yeah, you heard me!!}. Maybe I'll snag one of the many {seemingly hundreds at this point} jobs I've applied for in various corners of the world. Maybe I'll go somewhere incredibly familiar. Whatever might be, the possibilities scare me a lot less knowing my options and facing them with optimism. 

As the once-mighty Taylor Swift sang...

...I'm dying to see how this one ends.