Hey, guys! What's black and white and read all over?! This blog. Classic. I've been thinking a lot about attachment and so here is a little humdinger about why I am the Queen of Mushy Feelings. Bow down.
My life is lived with plane tickets in my pocket and a passport in my purse. I have created it that way and, admittedly, I find a thrill in living that way. I love the people that this life has brought to me. In general, I have very few complaints about any of it. How could I?
I believe truly that the source of any anxiety I ever feel is because I live in a space where the ultimate conundrum exists: I am incredibly attached to people and places, and yet I am constantly leaving the people and places I love so deeply.
I have battled back and forth between whether my ability to love and feel on such levels should be regarded as a strength or as a weakness, yet to come up with any real answer.
Buddhists believe that attachment is the root of all sadness, because nothing is permanent. This sentiment just seems so saddening-- nothing lasts forever, so don't tether yourself to it. Perhaps then, Buddhists would believe that I'm absolutely ridiculous.
Despite my best efforts to disagree, the truth is my experience illustrates so clearly how honest that philosophy of Buddhist culture is. I always talk about how the timing of my life is cursed. How the three fortunes I've had told to me have all said that timing would be my burden, and that I believe those fortunes have proven themselves correct time and time again.
But the real heartaches of my life have been caused by my attachment to the way things are or have been. And all this reading I've been doing on Buddhism has me thinking that while my timing absolutely is shit, maybe I've been framing it all wrong, ya know?
I just don't know if I agree with attachment being played as the villain on its own, because I find I'm attached to people and places and things that I love and I never find love to be a weakness.
Anyone can be apathetic and anyone can pretend not to care to save themselves the heartache of impermanence. I've tried being that person and that person just wasn't me. I prefer the honest and open me. Vulnerable Tara is the best Tara.
It takes someone brave to say, "I like you and I want this to be something. A real something. Even if I can't verbalize what that is." It takes someone who loves hard to be someone's friend unconditionally. It takes a very specific someone to go across the world time after time, build memories and relationships and a life, then move on.
But what do I know, right? I'm just a girl with a packed suitcase, waiting to board her plane to Malaysia. Hopefully, by the time I arrive back from Kuala Lumpur I'll know some news and I'll have a decision made so I have news to share.